Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks