[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Hey i am sexy to you now
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.