I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
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All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.