ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”