ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
This is so me 😂😂
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.