Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff