ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’d hang this in my house.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.