Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.