We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.