Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
When someone says you are so lazy
Cinematography is my passion
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍