You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see