Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.