Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.