Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
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If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My teenage children choosing violence
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*