ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
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13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Terribly Tuesday.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.