Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.