Me if I was a dog
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*