ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Anyone really
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold