ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign