Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
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Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
hmmm
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
cat vs inanimate object
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”