Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
You Might Also Like
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Every haunted house movie:
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.