Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
tis the season
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.