Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.