me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems