ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Comparing yourself to others
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*