ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
cause of death:
autopsy.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.