Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.