Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I put the h in mysterious.