Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Why I divorced her.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.