ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
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“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.