Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?