Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Happy Thanksgiving
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.