With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Google reviews are always so mixed..
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.