ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
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I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
☠️☠️☠️
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.