Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.