Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?