Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
good morning
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane: