Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]