Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
tourist season
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Oops
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Sniffing the broccoli
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
LOL
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.