ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense