ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”