ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?