FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
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Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate