ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried