Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Comparing yourself to others
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
a badder mouse
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.