Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?