Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
😂😂
same bro
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.