Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
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In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman