Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
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You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
what could possibly go wrong?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Its true…
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.