My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
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HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*